sink or swim

colorado's drowning, & at the beginning i thought i'd sink with it.

but then on that twenty-five speedway with the black rain gathering & the lightening shatter, i found myself soaked in sun. it felt like i might be learning to swim.

this head spin halted my run & made me seek higher ground. the weigh made my flight cancelled til further notice, but my wings will be stronger & my soar lighter for it.

it felt good that day driving head first into the storm.

this time i'm stuck in the rain, but at least i saw it coming. this time i wasn't looking over my shoulder seeing it's lurk & planning my next runway. this time i'll stand longer than the clouds and i'll shine.

flow.

last may i was fire.

those months before, those ones when i fell into my own & my aries burst free,
that's when i was pure
flame.

that's when forging path with no relent was all, & taking steps that meant safe were none. i didn't see the beauty in living easy & being soft.

this may, i broke & crumbled & my stumbles continue.

i haven't seen the end of days where first day's breath is covered in tears.
i haven't seen the end of those anxiety chills & grief stabs.
i haven't seen the end of the nightmare that night wreaks.

surviving this may was the one that showed me that being soft is strength & burning through life isn't the only wholeness means.

i lived for constant hunt on unknown ground to find new faces that would make new words in hopes of newness & birth.

now, i'm finding my known faces with their new/old words are taking away some of my dark.
the heaviness fades when i drag my self to tippy tops with some of my most beloved.
those familiar faces that my old life knew make me remember the me he struck didn't die in the flame. she'll find her way back someday.

today's the first day in four months that i said that and believed it.