Monday, August 19, 2013

me/her

i haven't quite found the words but shadow or cloud seem to fit more or less. it always lurks & follows and makes light lost & cold win & one of which is followed by storm.

the shadow or cloud, whichever you choose, threatens more lately to make permanent stay. sometimes they'd vacation but these days shadow grows long & cloud grows dark & this spirit of mine is left rained out & wilted.

they keep saying there are still people that love me, despite the ones that curse & defame. it's hard to feel through shadow & cloud, & it's making this island grow & heart droop & foot steps heavier still.

those pictures of who i used to be, they seem so far & plastic; was i really that blissed & free & windy then? maybe it's a mask, maybe shadow & cloud me finally won out. maybe my prison will outlast his & i'll never feel the sun again. maybe i'll give up & see what that would mean.

why didn't i see that he wanted to crush my me? why didn't i stop him before it was too late?

the girl in the photos, i miss her. maybe someday she'll come back.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

sameness/deadness

why do we always want things to be the same?

why do i always find myself dreaming of past self & past love & past friends & past happiness? i guess now it makes sense when light's few & far & trenches are deepest & breath hasn't come easy in months. but still i wish i was old me with old friends & old life & old comfort. i wish i could disappear that night still & the days that roared and shattered my life.

it's funny; i look back to past aches and remember thinking they loomed higher than all the rest. in a lot of ways, i miss them. these days, they look marginal & miniature & pesky. funny how present aches always seem to ache harder & dig deeper & crush soul faster.

tomorrow with the return & the old faces & the night memories & the people in uniforms & their questions all seem too big for crumbling me. now to see what those faces & mouths that broke me will say with their eyes & look with their mouths. & maybe i'll run & they'll think they won & my back will shy forever.

i wish i thought i could win someday.