(happenings)

i find myself in the devil float
where i want him to ask me to
dance.

when my feet fly &
the earth leaves sky,
i tell myself i'm exploring more
me.

but the last notes leave my
feet weary
& that pulse of mine
dry.

can the devil say who i want to be?

my me says that i'm too bright for his fire
& that my feet should never
match his.

when his flame ashes my breath
& the floor is still,
our dances always haunt me.

but when i head to sun,
when i seek out the bright side of the me that
wants to live in these bones without that grueling
shame,

well, she misses the dark & the eyes
that want to see the bits of me that
are black.

am i shadow or shine? & why do i feel so drained
by both the black &
white?

i twist & wreck them both. where's that bliss i'm always
destroying,
i think that's what i want. maybe i should just
take it & run.

II

the time freeze that keeps me
glued to your words.
two sun spins &
still i'm
here.

those whirls where hanging
sounds free &
like it would match.

i could just
let my lungs swim
in the air you stole.

maybe the tasteless can still be
sweet.
or at least the after wouldn't
give my mouth something it can't shake.

i want my steps to be mine
not ones trying to put days & minutes between
us.
or my words not to be dripping with
you.

i move & you shadow
counting down months until my home is yours
& i won't be able to look back.
those papers don't make you farther
& those bars don't keep you from slipping into my days.

did i run or win?
or will you always stand straighter
because you entered & poisoned
the bits of me i have left.