river remembers [three years and counting]

remember those months that i'd tear my body just so i could ache with the stream for you? i can still feel winter breathing its grief into my cracked lungs & water whispering icy sorrow into my harrowed ears.

remember that night i woke up & your toes left earth & those bed sheets took your soul? i can still hear the shrieks of my dream telling me you'd gone, & the crush of knowing your shine would be disappeared from that moment hung forever.

remember when we swung in summer night & you told me to seek love? i still taste your sweet words & how they shaped my days that followed.

remember when i would stare at your five feet & 8 inches from my four-foot-something & dream of when i could be just like you? i can still hear my clammorings for dinner-side seats to your absurd stories & tales to seek after.

some days i may not feel you, but i will always remember. i'm amazed by how sharp the memories are & how deep they still cut. my soul hasn't forgotten yours, & i'm still so grateful for the light yours gave mine. my steps are laced with you & the beauty you wrought. thank you for the days we shared, & for scarring the earth the way you did.

rest easy, dear aunt of mine.

[i'll love you forever, i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be] 

sun(flower).

i'm realizing that colorado's poisoned me with endless sun. all those rays have made me a junkie, & without pails of vitamin d, i start to wilt.

i lose my face & get lost in the world indoors. i forget what it means to be joy. that's why i think i might be a sunflower; i can only keep my head up in the daylight, otherwise my shoulders start to noose themselves. 

the sun lights my soul & shines the fifteen inches my scalps grown from root. it makes me remember all the steps i've taken along with these fifteen inches, and reminds me how far i've come. & i've never thought i could have done it without the sun, especially on the days i needed to screen that scalp of mine from nicarguan rays. i may have been white & bald, but at least my shoulders could still brown.

so i will keep finding the time to capture up the light we're given daily. at least that's way i won't get stuck with a face full of pavement. 

desert & me.

i was surprised to find out that i can laugh by myself & it'll still taste sweet. sometimes i feel like the hollow ones i make when i'm in a crowded room are all i have & they always leave an empty grim on my tongue. but i just discovered that desert sun and finally freed skin make for joy that's light & laughter that cures.

my broken body made me slow & led to a journey halted, which seemed just right due to where i've gotten lost just now. it made me remember that it's not always about reaching an end, but maybe about discovering the going. maybe i didn't see the magic arch, but my toes found sand & heart felt warm & i forgot about all those endless "where i should be's."

i think the wind & the stone & the cactus spines made me remember there usually are more pressing things than the future. i got lost in the desert & the desert got lost in me & now i can breath clean air again. enough with that future drowning, now i'm just loving each step as i get there.

castles & spoons.

sometimes there's something crawling in my veins that makes me start to dig. it's almost like its telling me to slump so i can look up and find where i should be going & forget where i stand. then my present/future suddenly become a dichotomy & neither are good enough.

now i'm thinking on what paulo says, we need to see the castle walls while never spilling an oil drop; otherwise we're neither present nor foreseeing.

i think durangan summer made me focus on my oil spoon & i never looked up. my months here ticked by, each day building new walls, & once my eyeballs finally reached up, my brain started to sag. i hadn't noticed that my castle came to brooms & rags & plastic smiles, not salvaging words that tie its speaker to earth, ritual, and dirt.

once i saw my castle walls were not what they must be, i slopped oil down my front and made a mess of my present. i tore down all that i'd created and made it something ugly. i forgot that even though i'd seen the walls, i can't drop the precious oil from my spoon.

instead i need to see my current castle being one that i'm renting for a time, til i can build one of indigenous words. i must still be grateful for its shelter. my current castle is laden with desert & mountain breathing, & full being my own being.

i need this part-time castle so i can have one full time that won't crumble. without a foundation of life, what would my word castle be built on?  my oil spoon may be empty of my deep set passion, but at least it's full of beauty.

so now i will refill my spoon & have eyes opened, hopefully no longer ones drooping. my present is building what will make my word castle a home of sure joy, rather than empty dictionary piles that weigh my soul.

one step at a time, grasshopper, lest you drop your spoon.

clocks.

i think we have rhythms just like nature & just like most things. & a lot of times those rhythms run on timers & when they go off they shout.

like with my clock that struck go & sent me to my new world full of red earth & front porch bears. i didn't know i was meant to go til i heard "get the hell out," & a final stroke that pointed southwest.

or with the one that reminded me & my purpose are decided & that the tongues that fall silent are my greatest grief; this one didn't need to roar quite the same, as it only needed to speak over the mind-lulling open/close of a cash drawer. this clock is ticking for books & lessons & languages that will be stuffed into brain so some beauty can be saved that the world has yet lost.

or with the one that ticked off the love & just ticked it back on when the time fit. moments apart can be just as blessed as those spent with, & now the second's nearing that our clocks will be met. then we can smash both their faces & linger in bed later than needed.

my clocks are calling, & they seem to be right. maybe time's made-up, but at least it keeps us from forgetting.